my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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