Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
