Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He passed out mid-signature
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
