there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
