Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
