It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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