I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
