I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
