I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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