Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
