I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
