Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
