I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
