mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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