so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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