just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
