Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
