DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
