The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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