he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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