the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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