bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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