WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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