I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
