will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
