At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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