So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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