Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
