She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
