They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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