I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Found the puke drawer
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
