yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
