somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
