apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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