Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
