you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
