Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
