No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
