I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
