So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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