Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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