just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Less talking, more tequila
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
