Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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