She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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