I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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