Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
