Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
