paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
