We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
