Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
