I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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