Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
