Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
