if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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